Our Perception Creates Our Reality: How Thoughts Shape Relationships and Wellbeing

“We don’t see things as they are; we see them as we are.” – Anaïs Nin

As therapists, we often witness how the stories people tell themselves—about who they are, what they deserve, and how others feel about them—profoundly shape their inner world and outer relationships. This is not just a poetic idea. It’s deeply rooted in psychological science: our perception creates our reality.

In this blog, we explore how our thoughts, beliefs, and interpretations (our cognitive lens) influence not just how we feel, but how we connect with others—especially in our most intimate relationships. Drawing from Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), Schema Therapy, and other relational frameworks, we invite you to become more curious, not critical, about the beliefs that drive your responses. This simple act of awareness can be transformative.

The Cognitive Lens: How We Interpret the World

CBT teaches us that our emotional and behavioural reactions are not caused directly by events themselves, but by how we interpret those events (Beck, 2011). For example, if your partner doesn’t respond to a text, you might think:

• “They must be upset with me” (which might lead to anxiety),

• “They’re always inconsiderate” (which might lead to anger), or

• “I’m not important to them” (which might lead to sadness or withdrawal).

Each of these interpretations creates a different internal reality, even though the external event is the same.

In relationships, these interpretations—if unchecked—can become patterns that sabotage intimacy. They often reflect automatic thoughts, many of which arise without our conscious awareness, formed early in life and reinforced over time.

Core Beliefs and Schemas: The Deeper Story

Schema Therapy expands this by exploring core emotional themes, or schemas, that shape how we see ourselves and others. These schemas are often developed in childhood and may include beliefs like:

• “I’m unlovable,”

• “People will always leave,” or

• “I have to be perfect to be accepted.”

When a schema is triggered—especially in close relationships—it can evoke disproportionate reactions that confuse both parties. For example, someone with an abandonment schema might become anxious or controlling when their partner wants alone time, even if no actual threat exists.

Recognising that these reactions stem from old wounds, not the present moment, is the first step toward changing them.

Interpersonal and Intrapersonal Conflict: When Perception Hurts Connection

Many couples come into therapy caught in painful cycles: one partner withdraws, the other pursues; one avoids conflict, the other demands resolution. Beneath these behaviours are stories each partner is telling themselves, often unknowingly:

• “If I show my needs, I’ll be rejected.”

• “If I don’t fight for love, I’ll lose it.”

• “I have to be strong; vulnerability is weakness.”

These beliefs create intrapersonal conflict (inner distress) and interpersonal conflict (relational distress). The beauty of therapeutic work is that when people start to question and explore these beliefs with compassion, change becomes possible.

Strategies for Positive Change

1. Cultivate Awareness Without Judgement

Start by noticing your thoughts, especially when you're emotionally activated. Ask yourself:

• What am I telling myself right now?

• Is this story based on facts, or feelings?

• Where might this belief have come from?

Mindfulness practices, journaling, or simply taking a pause before reacting can help make the unconscious, conscious.

2. Be Curious, Not Critical

Rather than judging your beliefs or responses, approach them with warmth and curiosity. Schema Therapy encourages clients to understand where their beliefs originated—and to hold compassion for the parts of themselves that learned these beliefs as survival strategies.

In couples therapy, we often help each partner recognise the vulnerable emotions beneath defensive behaviours. For example, anger may mask fear, and criticism may mask longing for connection.

3. Reality-Test Your Thoughts

From a CBT perspective, challenge unhelpful automatic thoughts by asking:

• What’s the evidence for and against this thought?

• Is there another way to look at this situation?

• What would I say to a friend in my position?

Practising this regularly helps to rewire neural pathways—a concept known as neuroplasticity—and fosters more balanced thinking (Beck, 2011; Siegel, 2020).

4. Seek Feedback from Safe Others

Our perceptions can be distorted, especially when filtered through old wounds. In therapy or trusted relationships, asking others how they see things can provide grounding perspective. Couples therapy offers a powerful space to “re-story” relational patterns with mutual empathy and understanding.

A Gentle Invitation

If your beliefs are causing you pain—within yourself or your relationships—it’s not because you’re broken. It's because you learned ways to make sense of your world that may no longer serve you.

Therapy is not about fixing you. It’s about helping you understand your inner world so you can live, love, and relate with more clarity and compassion. When we bring awareness to our thoughts, when we hold curiosity instead of judgment, we create the conditions for meaningful change.

As you move through your day, try pausing when conflict arises and ask yourself gently:

“What story am I telling myself right now?”

The answer might surprise you—and open a door to a new reality.

References

• Beck, J. S. (2011). Cognitive behavior therapy: Basics and beyond (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.

• Young, J. E., Klosko, J. S., & Weishaar, M. E. (2003). Schema therapy: A practitioner’s guide. Guilford Press.

• Siegel, D. J. (2020). The developing mind: How relationships and the brain interact to shape who we are (3rd ed.). Guilford Press.

• Linehan, M. M. (2014). DBT skills training manual (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.

If you'd like support exploring your beliefs or improving your relationships, we’re here to help at Minding Our Minds. Our team of specialist psychotherapists and relationship counsellors can walk alongside you as you discover new ways of thinking, feeling, and connecting.

Warmly,
The Minding Our Minds Team
www.mindingourminds.com.au